Bruce Perry's The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog

Really, really good book that I can't say enough nice things about. Perry has some of the most helpful, clear scientific writing I've ever read - I loved seeing how all of the theory on developmental theory and the adolescent brain came together with each case study of each kid. The crux of the book, I think, is a strong argument for stronger support networks for all children, better child-rearing literacy for adults (not just parents - every adult has a stake in this), and a relationship-centered approach to the healing process. There's also a ton of great insight on what the healing process may look like for children who have experienced trauma, abuse, or maltreatment: a few later come back around to heal other children, while others move into different fields. Sometimes the process involves working through personal experiences, while in other instances it may be centered more on building functional skills and moving on from traumatic memories. All of these processes are legitimate, and Perry writes about how and why they work with a lot of nuance.

As somebody who's grappling with my own childhood experiences of abuse and trauma, here's one quote from the book that shook me for quite some time:

"The nature and timing of our developmental experiences shape us. Like people who learn a foreign language late in life, Virginia and Laura will never speak the language of love without an accent."

I wonder sometimes how my childhood impacted my ability to form relationships: developmentally, it feels like I'm in a very different place from many of my peers here. Many of them seem not to think about things I spend days thinking through; many of them also have had the privilege of not growing up in a dysfunctional family environment. I wonder if this is a valuable thing to broach with them, or with anybody, really. Again, the healing process looks so different for everybody that I'm not sure whether there's a concrete blueprint I can follow or anything. Maybe that's on me to make for myself, or to find the people who have survived what I am trying to survive so that I have more to work off of.

On the other hand, there are plenty of classmates whom I suspect are dealing with these same issues, and I wonder why it is that there is so much silence around them here, in an educational community that purports to be open on so many other issues. Is there value in a community centered around healing from trauma? What would that look like? And more importantly, what does my future look like - one where I've exorcised my past, one where I've reconciled it, or something else? How do I get there?

Perry writes a lot about the value of strong relationships in his work (albeit not so much on how said relationships are colored by race, gender, sexuality, or class solidarity and understanding); I think back to the time my third-grade teacher Mrs. Robinson complimented me on my "good personality," the first time I can ever remember being told that; meeting Ryan in fifth-grade and feeling for the first time like I was part of the class; the many people along the way who were able to see the good in me that I wasn't able to see in myself; the many people along the way who moved me towards the person I try to be today. I spent a lot of time in the last year thinking about all of the things that went wrong: the beatings, the heartbreak, the recurring moments of self-doubt. I want to move towards thinking about all that went right: the friendships, the rare moments of clarity, the shreds of hope I've built into a home. I will not run from my past, but I will not let it be the end of my life. I want it to be my beginning.